


Dysphoria Sucks Ass

by HK44



Series: Brokes, Pennsylvania [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Dysphoria, Everything gets better, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Paganism, Prayer, happy endings, i'm pretty sure alex is a pagan on some kinda level
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 17:11:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5013067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HK44/pseuds/HK44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Shh. Breathe.” I pressed my forehead to theirs. “Count with me,” I murmured, curving my hand over the edge of their jaw. “One lily lily, two lily lily, three lily lily, breathe.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dysphoria Sucks Ass

**Author's Note:**

> Feeling dysphoric and shitty so my characters need to feel dysphoric and shitty.

**You know your friends take care of you a lot. Anytime you take care of them?**

Um, yeah. We were fourteen. I was Nick’s house while they were getting ready before we excavated off to the movies. I was curled up on the edge of their bed, reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the billionth time. You know, that is both my favourite and most hated movie. I love it so much yet I want to blow it up and pretend it never existed.

Jackson was off doing who knows what and Kali was playing Scrabble with Katelynn. Nick was finishing up with their look. Going tense, they stared at themself in the mirror and gripped their hands into tight fists. “I hate the way I look.”

Over the edge of my book, I glanced up at them and shifted on the bed.

They had on a loose skirt over some cargo pants and a dark green shirt with a picture of a screaming cartoon bird. Their hair was pretty darn long at fourteen, braided down their back in a thick plait, tied with a bright pink bow. Bags held heavy under their eyes, silently masked by makeup. Their bottom lip stuck out indecisively and they flexed their fingers once more.

“I think you look nice.”

“I hate everything,” they snarled. They reached up and slammed the closet door open. A loud smash rang out, bits and pieces of the mirror scattering down to the ground. “I _look_ like _a fucking girl!_ ”

“I-” Frowning, I rolled off the bed and stumbled over to them. “Maybe it’s the skirt.”

“But I want to wear the skirt!” Nick yelled. They grabbed their ears. “I want to wear the skirt and I want to look like a boy but I don’t want to wear a binder because I don’t want to look like a boy but I CAN’T _FUCKING STAND MYSELF!_ ”

They kicked the door and it cracked, wood splitting at the bottom. Heavy fat tears rolled down their face and I felt hideous, horrible, ugly with my flat chest. Nick stooped over, squatting, grabbing their knees and panicking. Breaths heaved out their mouth in thick gasps. They screeched, loud and piercing, begging for something to stop that I couldn't understand, shaking full body, and sobbing.

Slowly I dropped to my knees in front of them and pressed my hands over theirs. “Hey, hey, look at me.”

They did, eyes wide and terrified. Hands yanked out from under mine and their arms wrapped tight around their chest. “I-”

“Shh. Breathe.” I pressed my forehead to theirs. “Count with me,” I murmured, curving my hand over the edge of their jaw. “One lily lily, two lily lily, three lily lily, breathe.”

“Four lily lily-” They sniffled and relaxed slow as I drew curving lines over their cheeks. “-five lily lily, six lily lily, breathe.”

“I heard screaming,” Kali said, barging in so fast the door slammed against the wall loud, echoing into my skin and making me jump like cat, high and hair on end. Katelynn giggled.

Nick ignored everyone, leaning into the curve of my palm, still counting. “Thirteen lily lily, fourteen lily lily, fifteen lily lily, breathe.”

Their shaking subsided slowly and Katelynn snuggled up underneath their arm, counting with them in unison. Kali stood by the door, watching us with lidded eyes, a nervous smile tickling at the edge of her mouth.

“Twenty- _two_ lily lily,” Katelynn said with heavy emphasis and purpose for a four year old. “Twenty- _three_ lily lily. Twenty- _four_ lily lily. _Breeeeeathe_ ,” she drawled, making Nick laugh thick and real and cleansing to the soul.

“ _Breeeathe_ ,” they mimicked laughing. “Mmm. Thank you, Al.” Katelynn pouted and flicked their face. Nick rolled their eyes and signed, “ _Thank you too, Katelynn._ ”

She grinned and kissed her sibling’s nose.

Kali rubbed her arm and plopped down next to us. “Shall I call in for food?”

Nick blinked. “Fuck. No, Kals. No- come on. Let’s just- movie.” They stood up and swayed for a moment, catching a glimmer of their reflection in the window and tensed.

“I kinda wanna call in. Let’s watch pay-per-view. First time we don’t have Jackson screaming about watching gay porn,” I said. “Might as well take advantage of it, yeah?”

Nick turned slightly and gave me a thankful look. “Yeah. We should. Advantages should be taken.”

“But only good ones,” I stated, hooking my arm around theirs. Kali swung Katelynn over her back and smiled, curling her fingers on Nick’s free hands.

They breathe in deep and leaned into us as we leaned into them and struggled out through the door, down the steps into the living room. Katelynn landed with a loud oomph, rolling over as Kali attempted to squash. Nick curled into my chest, breathing deep into my shirt.

“I hate this.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Gender sucks.”

Nick laughed and tightened their hands on my shirt. “Look at us. Weirdo alternating non binaries. As off in our skin as anyone else and no way to really fix it.”

“Okay. That’s it. I’m praying.” I cleared my throat and Nick yelled, laughter bubbling out of their throat like a prayer as I dragged us over to the couch and said in a deep, loud voice, “Oh, my dearest gods of gender, Lord Dionysus, Goddex Lan Caihe, Lord Samba-”

Kali twitched slightly, sending me an odd grin. “Samba? Is that not a dance?”

“No, Kali, we’ve been through this,” I whined while Nick snickered and Katelynn flickered through the options on pay-per-view. “Samba is a Hindu god. Hindu. Indian. You. Indian! _Hindu_!”

She sighed and patted my head. “I still do not understand.”

“ _Kali!_ ”

Nick laughed into my neck and kissed my cheek. “Just finish your prayer, Alex.”

“But I haven’t even gotten through all the gods,” I muttered.

“Finish,” they commanded.

I sighed. “And etc, I apologize for not saying your names as my awful friend Nick, Nicholas, Nicole, is dear genderfluid oddity wishes me to hurry it up.” They laughed again, flopping over Kali’s lap, who immediately threaded her fingers through Nick’s hair. “I beg of you to reject these feelings within us of intense dysphoria for years to come and, furthermore, after death. Dysphoria sucks ass and I pray intensely with all the purity in my heart-” Kali snorted and I threw a tissue box at her. “-that you drag these senseless feelings of insecurity about what we feel we cannot change, for we will miss it when our minds switch, outwards and upwards into the Hells of crappy feelings and shit. Also thank you for getting my dad’s friend Joanna approved for her vaginoplasty. Bless, praise all and thank you.”

I blinked down from the ceiling and smiled at my friends scattered on the couch. Nick stared at me for a moment before laughing out, “You’re so fucking weird Alex.” They squeezed my hands.

“Thanks.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Dionysus is the Greek patron god of intersex and transgender people.  
> Lan Caihe (according to Wikipedia) is a Chinese mythological figure that is apparently portrayed as male and female and usually dressed in ambiguous clothing.  
> Samba (according to Wikipedia) is a Hindu patron god of eunuchs, transgender people and homoeroticism.
> 
> Uh, since I'm agonistic as hell and zone out during the prayers at school, I apologize if the prayer sounds like crap.


End file.
